The Heart and Mind of a Child
Some months ago I had a class to teach in San Diego at a location with which I was unfamiliar. Since I had no idea what the traffic would be like in the hours directly before my class I decided to leave early. I arrived very early, found my class and made sure everything was prepared. To take up the time remaining I thought I would go to a nearby fast-food restaurant and have a quiet dinner.
I was lucky enough to sit next to a father and his four-old son who had just come from seeing a movie together. The little boy was excieted as he talked about the experience. His father not only listened, but encouraged him by asking questions like: "What did you think when ____ happened?" "How did you feel when _____ occurred?" "Did you like it when ___________?" I sat there for a full thirty minutes listening to a complete review of the movie. I was just not in any hurry to finish.
They both finished their meal and continued to talk. The father asked the boy if he wanted to take the car through the car wash like they did the week before. The child seemed to hesitate and said rather slowly: "I don't know dad.' Without much of a pause the father picked up on the expression of doubt from the child and said: "Did all that water coming down on the car frighten you a little?" The response was immediate: "Yea, I was aftaid the car would fill up full of water." Dad's response was incredible. "I can see that. Would you rather go to the kind where we wash it ourselves or would you like to go back to the same car wash and sit in my lap where you will feel safe?" The child said with some enthusiasm: "Yes, I would like that. The water can't really get in the car can it dad?" "No son, I promise the water can't get into the car." Off they went to go through the car wash together.
Now there is a father who knows the heart and mind of his child. With this kind of relationship continuing into the teen years, there is almost no way this child will be consumed with rge and very little chance he will plan and work out details of any kind of action without his father being aware of what is going on in his mind and in his life.
We have many choices being put before us to solve the problems of violence:
Not that there are not things on this list that would not be good things to do. There are indeed programs that need to be enhanced and practices that need to be examined and perhaps even some money that needs to be spent. But we cannot continue to attempt to solve problems just by throwing money at the problem or by writing more restrictive laws.
When it comes right down to it, the real prevention of violence in our communities begins in the relationship that exists between a father and a four-year-old child that continues on over the next 14 years. Children need parents who know what is going on in their minds and hearts. We will all suffer the consequences that will occur as a result of evry child who is left to grow up on their own without real parental involvement. Just being physically present or just contributing the basic biological materials is not what parenting is all about.
Being a parent is being a developmental specialist who takes the time to know, understand and influence the minds and hearts of children.
Posted by lee
We seem to be besieged by events, comments, articles and proposals about violence in our schools and communities. Many proposals are being suggested to solve the problem.Some months ago I had a class to teach in San Diego at a location with which I was unfamiliar. Since I had no idea what the traffic would be like in the hours directly before my class I decided to leave early. I arrived very early, found my class and made sure everything was prepared. To take up the time remaining I thought I would go to a nearby fast-food restaurant and have a quiet dinner.
I was lucky enough to sit next to a father and his four-old son who had just come from seeing a movie together. The little boy was excieted as he talked about the experience. His father not only listened, but encouraged him by asking questions like: "What did you think when ____ happened?" "How did you feel when _____ occurred?" "Did you like it when ___________?" I sat there for a full thirty minutes listening to a complete review of the movie. I was just not in any hurry to finish.
They both finished their meal and continued to talk. The father asked the boy if he wanted to take the car through the car wash like they did the week before. The child seemed to hesitate and said rather slowly: "I don't know dad.' Without much of a pause the father picked up on the expression of doubt from the child and said: "Did all that water coming down on the car frighten you a little?" The response was immediate: "Yea, I was aftaid the car would fill up full of water." Dad's response was incredible. "I can see that. Would you rather go to the kind where we wash it ourselves or would you like to go back to the same car wash and sit in my lap where you will feel safe?" The child said with some enthusiasm: "Yes, I would like that. The water can't really get in the car can it dad?" "No son, I promise the water can't get into the car." Off they went to go through the car wash together.
Now there is a father who knows the heart and mind of his child. With this kind of relationship continuing into the teen years, there is almost no way this child will be consumed with rge and very little chance he will plan and work out details of any kind of action without his father being aware of what is going on in his mind and in his life.
We have many choices being put before us to solve the problems of violence:
- Metal detectors at every school door: COST - Millions
- Violence Prevention Classes: COST - Millions
- Enhanced Teacher Training: COST - Millions
- More emotional support staff in schools COST - Millions
- More Federal Control over schools: COST - Too Much
- A father knowing the mind of a child: COST - Priceless
Not that there are not things on this list that would not be good things to do. There are indeed programs that need to be enhanced and practices that need to be examined and perhaps even some money that needs to be spent. But we cannot continue to attempt to solve problems just by throwing money at the problem or by writing more restrictive laws.
When it comes right down to it, the real prevention of violence in our communities begins in the relationship that exists between a father and a four-year-old child that continues on over the next 14 years. Children need parents who know what is going on in their minds and hearts. We will all suffer the consequences that will occur as a result of evry child who is left to grow up on their own without real parental involvement. Just being physically present or just contributing the basic biological materials is not what parenting is all about.
Being a parent is being a developmental specialist who takes the time to know, understand and influence the minds and hearts of children.
1 comments
Tuesday June 09, 2009 10:21 pm
Posted by Denise as 69.255.115.82
What an insightful post... why is it that some parents, such as the father you observed in the restaurant, be so involved and in touch with the emotional needs of the child while others are not emotionally available? I believe that if you listen to their words and maintain eye contact with genuine interest, they form a stronger bond with that parent. What kinds of consequences occur when one parent is very receptive and aware of their children's needs and how their mind and thought process work while the other parent is just physically present?